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[08 Oct 2005|01:01am]
[ mood | tired ]

I hate the way I tend to disappear from this thing, only to resurface weeks later, vowing never to leave again.

Reading over my last entry, where I was worried about losing my job at the firm because the old person was going to come back, well, it happened. I went on vacation with my family the last week in August, and I was called (on the trip) and told that they didn't need me anymore. I moped around my apartment for a week, and went back to work that monday. I think Tuesday will start week five. And I was hinted at by the billing manager that my paperwork for perm-ing was in the works. I'm excited. I like that.

I think I'm starting to get my life together. Not in that makeshift way, but in that way where this is really what I want to do. I realized that what I want to do isn't necessarily six figures (it could be), but the more I reflect, the more I think that as long as I can pay my rent/mortgage, I really don't care. I would share my idea, but everyone would think it was silly. Kev told me I was perfect for it, considering half the people in this profession are certifiable anyway.

I'm almost finished with Anna Karenina. I admit that I was a little surprised as the hinting towards sapphic relations between Kitty and Varenka. It was an entire chapter full of double-entendres, and not in that "They had such a gay time together" type way. It was full of sensual kisses and hugs and Kitty caring a little too much about Varenka in that way. Again, not against, just surprised, considering the context in which it was brought into the story.

You know, I was watching Intervention. I have no idea how people can sit through an entire group crying and telling them what a burden they are. I think I'd fall over in embarrassment and run out of the room. When I'm watching the last twenty minutes or so of the show, I find myself about to turn the channel because the entire situation seems to embarrassing to watch. Not because I find the person embarrassing. But because I see myself being embarrassed in that way. If that makes any sense.

My new job is a lot more interesting. Patent Law. Everyone around me has like..five Ph.D.s, it's incredibly intimidating. They walk down the hallway talking about aquaporins and blah blah blah (it's Biotech patents). It's definitely not as uninteresting as I'm making it sound, I promise.

The wireless works. I hate sitting in the basement because the lighting isn't as good and I swear I can hear noises from the downstairs ceiling (aka our upstairs floor). That makes me nervous, and I have to go upstairs and sit in the big chair backed into a corner, so I can see down the stairs, at the door, and inside the bedroom (just a little bit) at the same time. Until I wrote this, I didn't realize the purpose of my strategic furniture arrangement.

And here I was worried about the Red Sox Game being rained out tomorrow. As usual, I overestimated them.

3 new developments + More at six.

I'm pretty sure I should be making some more photocopies. [29 Jul 2005|10:05am]
[ mood | Photocopy-tastic ]

So, I've neglected to update this thing mainly because I have nothing to update with, and everything is pretty much the way it was last week. The train is starting to get on my nerves though, mainly because it likes to break down/delay or whatever during rush hour, so even if I'm actually trying to make it to work on time, I'm usually just making it or failing.
I'm pretty sure we're going to sign the lease for the apartment next week. I'm kind of excited. Sort of panicked thinking about the million other things that we have to buy/borrow/slowly pay off. Luckily, Tobias (the guy who's renting to us) is leaving a lot of stuff behind, so we're not going to be sleeping on the floor or anything. And we have tv's and our computers, and the DSL is hooked up. So it won't be terrible. And I have to buy my plane ticket and stuff. There isn't enough money (ever) and there isn't enough time in the day.
I was on the train yesterday, and I saw an ad for Bill Cosby (appearing to be aged 40) holding a DVD of the Cosby show season 1. It took me five minutes of staring to realize what was wrong with the picture (40 year old Bill Cosby holding the DVD, of course).

The humidity is killing my hair. I still haven't figured out what to do with it for the trip/generally. I also want a planner and all sorts of other things that I find myself literally too busy to find myself in a store to buy. I need a car or a scooter or something to that effect.

And the copy machine beckons me yet again. Time goes by so darn fast.

3 new developments + More at six.

Yeah, I can't believe it either. [12 Jul 2005|12:13pm]
[ mood | bored on the job ]

Alright, I'm at work. Yes, I finally got a job and it's my first day, and I'm sitting here, unable to decipher legal ledgers (and I thought doctors had horrible handwriting). I can't download AIM, so just in case anyone sees this, if they'd like to offer telnet instructions on how to get on SR, that would kill some time and quite a bit of boredom.
So I feel like I'm sucking, mainly because..I dunno, it's my first day and whatever.
I also have this project to do that I'm sort of doing between phone calls and faxes. It's due in like five hours and I've only done like a tenth of it. I figure I'll write an implementation and then work from there. I'm not even sure I'll make it to class tonight. Or maybe I'll pretty much write it, go to class, come home, and submit it. Or, not go, come home, work on the project and just screw the test. I just don't want to give the professor the impression that I don't care, because I do actually like this class. Yeah, I know, I should have just done it before.
It's also funny to work on a keyboard that actually has a three. I've been copy-pasting all morning.

Alright. Going to work on this project because it's almost my lunchbreak and I currently have nothing else to be doing. You may not be able to tell, but I'm absolutely ecstatic to finally have a job.

8 new developments + More at six.

You'd think I was ten if you knew how much I love Fridays. [01 Jul 2005|05:25am]
[ mood | awake ]

A few nights ago, I found myself watching The Investigators, this edition was Hunting BTK, "in honor" of his guilty plea/emotionless confession. I have to say that it was probably one of the most frightening things I've ever seen, but mainly because it was true. It was filmed in such a way that they'd cut to individual comments, and then play creepy music. Then the screen would go black, and the music would go silent. Not once or twice, but generally intermittent throughout the whole thing. I got so creeped out that just because I had to, I opened the doors to my closet (the fact that the doors were slightly ajar and I couldn't see inside because it was three in the morning). I'm still a bit creeped out. His confession was unnerving too, mainly because if you weren't listening, it sounded like he was narrating a golf tournament, his tone was just so dry and seemingly dissociated.

I'm going to be 19 in two days. I hate these inbetween years.

I'm taking data structures as one of my summer classes, and I actually like my teacher. He's under thirty, and he notices when I doze off. There's only three people in my class, and he chastises me about my consistent ability to still find the farthest seat from the front of the class. And yet, I can't find myself shamed into sitting in the front. One of the other guys in the class looks like a British version (he really is British) of Ryan (Kev's brother). Kev agreed. I'm not crazy. Though, this is a new habit I've picked up. Everyone I see now just resembles someone else I already know.

I want to take a trip. Or go to a show. Or something. Not too lavish, just a break from routine.

4 new developments + More at six.

lol because Kevin's making me. [15 Mar 2005|01:32am]
[ mood | busy ]

You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.


Unipolar Depression


Eating Disorders


Borderline Personality Disorder




Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder


Antisocial Personality Disorder


Which mental disorder do you have?
created with QuizFarm.com

Edited to add:I actually find the Zoloft egg rather endearing, truth be told.

You scored as Bomb. Your death will be by bomging. You will probably be an innocent bystander, not doing anything wrong and not a person who was targeted at, just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
























Cut Throat


Electric Chair


How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com
2 new developments + More at six.

New Layout. [07 Mar 2005|02:27pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I figured it was finally time for a change, so I came up with this right after my calculus class this afternoon. Check it out.

School is arduous. Employment is non-existant. Boston's the same. I miss New York. I don't miss my house. I miss New York. I miss Westchester. I miss the malls, and Tre, and the city, and all those other millions of things that are everywhere else in abundance in the world, but not the same unless it's in your own neighborhood.
Oh, and I'm thinking of getting an industrial.

I have a lab to write in the next three hours (I have lab tonight), and then I have a problem set, and a pre-lab to do for my programming class. Also, I have to do all these other labs that I didn't do, mainly because this class is a requirement(though, truth be told, it's a big waste of my time).

1 new development + More at six.

I'm too wimpy to kill people. [15 Feb 2005|02:58am]
[ mood | work-y ]

If i was a serial killer i would be Ted Bundy.

In the early to mid 1970s Ted Bundy would murder over 30 young women. Most were attacked while walking in parks, found later to have been raped and strangled to death, but sometimes Bundy would go as far as breaking into their houses as they slept and beating them to death with a crow bar.

After being caught and convicted of the murders, Bundy accepted prison, acquired a new name and started his killing spree all over again. Soon after, Bundy was caught, but not before taking the lives of 3 more women.

Almost all of Bundy's victims were young white girls with long dark hair parted down the middle, all were raped, beaten and sodomized.

kill count: 30+

Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now!
More at six.

Just because. [14 Feb 2005|02:30am]
[ mood | simply lovely. ]

Sonnet LXXXI

And now you're mine. Rest with your dream in my dream.
Love and pain and work should all sleep, now.
The night turns on its invisible wheels,
and you are pure beside me as a sleeping amber.

No one else, Love, will sleep in my dreams. You will go,
we will go together, over the waters of time.
No one else will travel through the shadows with me,
only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon.

Your hands have already opened their delicate fists
and let their soft drifting signs drop away; your eyes closed like two gray
wings, and I move

after, following the folding water you carry, that carries
me away. The night, the world, the wind spin out their destiny.
Without you, I am your dream, only that, and that is all.

-Pablo Neruda, Cien Sonetos de Amor

More at six.

My dear materialista, silence was insane. [09 Feb 2005|02:43am]
[ mood | oh, DB ]

So..I'm supposed to be doing Chemistry.

I'm so happy. And I'm also rather carefree. Which is good or bad depending how you look at it. I'm not as crazy tense about getting work done, so I procrastinate, but I'm not really freaking about anything, which is good. And..what better way to waste time than updating LJ?
I spent the weekend at Lianna's house up in Otis(random useless city in the Berkshires). Met her mom's new BF. He's really not that bad, but I've discovered that I find familial squabbles that don't involve my family rather...entertaining at times. And I talked to Dolores, and she's already got me sort of pumped for some Spring Break adventure, which I'm sure will get us into trouble, but yeah. Classes..are okay. I'm okay.
I love this mood. And I'm sure you've all experienced it. That strange, random euphoria where nothing brings you down, you sing along to every song on your playlist(and dance along as well), and that smile just won't fade from your face, even though you're not entirely sure what put it there in the first place(well, you do have an inkling). The whole world makes sense, and every awful thing I've ever heard, said, done, and experienced just fades into a quickly forgotten void.

*flips through her textbook* hmm. Okay, so I'm supposed to be doing Chem. I have a quiz on Thursday, and two problem sets due this week. And...I have three tests next week, Monday (V-day <3), and Tuesday. which sucks.

1 new development + More at six.

[11 Jan 2005|01:28am]
Because I realized eight hours after I wrote this that this belongs behind a cut.Collapse )
More at six.

Yeah, I'm tired and confused. [25 Dec 2004|02:21am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Essay Question 1:
At what point do you draw the line between not caring what other people think about you, and taking advice from those who want what's best for you?

Essay Question 2:
Is severe criticism from towards those around you justified when you yourself have fully come to terms with your own faults and shortcomings?
Input requested. Details to follow. Sorry about that. The question was asked really wrong.

I've just been pondering these things over the last few days, and wanted to hear what someone else had to say about it (hopefully, someone will comment and give me an opinion on this.). In terms of people not caring, I generally don't know, because in a sense, there exists a sort of hypocrisy, when you tell someone to stand up for what they think and not worry about external opinions, and in the next breath, say "you should do this." Do I listen, if I disagree? Now, to better paint the picture, this is in no way to assume that anyone is rudely and unjustly shoving unsafe things at me (extreme narcotics, etc.), but rather trying to better me as a person, or what they (again, not referring to a specific person, this is actually more directed at my family than anything else.) think would make me a better person. Though, there's something I must consider. Is it a fear of trying, which makes me so defensive to point out this not too cut and dry hypocrisy. I mean, hypocrisy is everywhere. At some point, all of us are hypocrites. All of us. Don't deny. lol. I can think of about three instances of hypocrisy for every person, I know, including myself (which would bring us into the second question, about whether or not criticism when you yourself, lacking perfection of course, is in the right.) So, am I close-minded? Or are they hypocritical? Am I too afraid of change? Or too offended and hurt that there is a sort of obvious implication that there needs to be some sort of change? I'm not sure.

I'm not really sure what this entry was for, or what point I was trying to make, or what I was trying to say. I thought that I could come to some conclusion, over which side of this needs to give in and let go, and I'm starting to think that maybe it's me. Though, I usually think it's me. I really want to go to bed. There are times when I have to be around people, and I feel so uncomfortable, I want to lock myself in an entirely separate room. In fact, I think I'll go do that.

2 new developments + More at six.

They're gonna be in court for years. [13 Dec 2004|06:37pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Alright. So I just wrote this entry. Reading it over, it bugged me. So I deleted it.
I want to go home (wherever that may be). Though, the closest right now is probably Kev's.

Note to self: For once, the grass is not greener on the other side.

More at six.

We'll all float on, okay.. [12 Dec 2004|07:55pm]
[ mood | like ugh ]

That song is stuck in my head. I saw it in a VH1 commercial yesterday, and every few minutes, it pops back up and starts playing. Whatever.
So, I'm writing this entry, taking a well-deserved (not really) break from this French paper I have to write. It's not a hard topic for a paper, but I've grown to hate writing papers, and writing them in a different language makes the process twice as slow. At this point, I'll be happy to get halfway through the third page as opposed to finishing it because to be honest, there's but so much to say about Leonard Bernstein's musical interpretation of Candide. And as if things don't get any more draining, I also have to write another paper, creating an extra scene of Tartuffe (which has to be 4 pages.) Granted, that's not too hard, because writing a few words every other line on four pages really isn't that hard. I have to reread the last few acts of Tartuffe first. And before that, I have to finish this Candide paper. The good thing is, when I have these two things done, I have three more things to do before I can leave campus, completely absolved of all responsibility of this semester. And even though that's in five days, it's definitely not soon enough. I want to go to bed, too. My sleeping schedule is back to normal.

Oh. And those Old Navy commercials need to die.

More at six.

Maybe this year will be better than the last. [08 Dec 2004|08:03am]
[ mood | blah ]

Have you ever had one of those moments where someone had their back turned, so you thought you might sneak an extra cookie or two out of that jar, only to pull your hand out and find a creepy crawly type item loitering on the bottom? Karma.
*looks around* No more LJ-post stalking.
I've just read something that has managed to ruin my day, through no fault of anyone else's, but now I've got one more thing to concern myself with. But I shouldn't be concerned. Because that shouldn't matter to me. I have my own life, my own worries, and my own responsibilities. That shouldn't hurt me, that shouldn't upset me. And it bugs me even more that it is. I should be done. I should be seriously done with all of this. And yet, I'm not. I worry and concern myself with something that no longer involves me, and probably never will again, unless, I don't know, some weird twist comes up. If I've learned nothing over the last year, I've learned that anything can really happen. And anything usually does. I can't think about this anymore right now. LJ makes me sick.
It makes me sick.

So, in other, less cryptic news, I have to finish Candide for French Lit in like three hours. I don't want to go, but I don't want a nasty email from her either. And I need to find out what's on the final. After which, I'm going to the bank. Various tickets and items of that sort are going to be purchased today. My dad can't give me as much as I hoped.
Also, I might/probably will quit my job. It's not worth it. It's not worth it at all. And thus, I'm probably leaving campus on December 17th. And..I switched. I'm now a comp sci major. I realized that I should major in something I actually like, and care about. With my schedule next semester, I have absolutely ZERO papers to write. Unless you count lab reports. Damn.

For today, then, I have Candide to read, French Lit to attend (which I might walk out of, after we finish discussing the final, because I have places to go), the bank, I have to find the book (somewhere around here) for Philosophy, and write that paper. I should probably shower. And I have to clean my room. Actually, right now, I'd love a cup of coffee. Diet Coke. It's too early for that. Who am I kidding? It's never too early for Diet Coke. But yeah. A lot to do.

I already feel a lot better.

More at six.

And after all the struggling, we're finally into the good stuff. [06 Dec 2004|09:28am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

It's going to snow tonight. And rain all tomorrow.
So, I've been working out my finances for the next few months. And, of course, I'm short; thus, I'm currently thinking up ways to compensate for a lack of funds. Of course, I'll ask my dad because I do that because I'm me. And, I'm not going to ask my aunt, because I don't do that. I actually considered making an attempt to get a really small personal loan from the bank (literally the minimum), because I just have too many expenses for the next few months, even with my job.
Alright, in terms of work, of course, I hate it. I've had that job for barely two months, and it makes me sick. I hate kids. I don't know why I took it. Yes, I do, I needed money. My manager, Fred, I've decided, is incredibly ridiculous. He has this manner, you know the one, where he's sort of rude with a smile on his face. That patronizing "You should be ," all the while, holding onto that ridiculous shit-eating grin. So, he put me on for like...bad hours last week, and I went to him and was like..hello? and he was like blah blah blah, bs excuse that sort of made sense, and if it didn't, what was I supposed to do anyway. This week. Not only do I have bad hours. But they're all at like...midnight. And I know I'm not going to be on any sort of train after midnight. Please. Westchester teaches you nothing in the way of street-smarts. Knowing me, I'd be standing out there for like..five minutes before being severely accosted. If one can be severely accosted. I just like to say accosted, I think. lol.
Also, it's the last week of classes. And next week, is finals. I'm so glad it's winding down. The time is speeding up, and that's good and bad at the same time. I'd like to have more time for more money, but the sooner I get out of here, the better. On the 24th, I'm Amtrak-ing it down to NJ, see some Westchester folk, because I haven't seen any of them since the events of June 18th(I still don't think I'll ever forget that day), and then, just in time for New Year's, I'm flying back to CO. Hopefully, I'll have some money in my pocket, though right now, it looks like I'll be flat broke, as usual.
But let's be honest, I'm always looking forward to my trips to Colorado.
Um. *tries to think of anything else semi-relevant*

Oh, well. I suck. I have a lot more to say, and I've actually been incredibly reflective and emotional over the last few days, but it's nothing I care to share. Mainly because it'll make even less sense to you than it does to me. And...to be honest, I doubt anyone's really that interested.

p.s. Go fall in a volcano. You suck.

More at six.

*fishes out her exclusive 1% membership card* [05 Dec 2004|03:31am]
[ mood | content ]

Yes, it's true.Collapse )

More at six.

How do I always catch the clock at 4:20? [01 Dec 2004|07:35am]
[ mood | bored ]

Alright. So this entry is getting completely rewritten. For those of you fortunate souls who caught it at about four in the morning, congratulations.
My sinus infection has returned. It was flaring up a bit a few hours ago, but only recently, have my eyes started to water to the point where inhaling any sort of cool air induces some of the most painful stinging pain I've ever experienced. And so, methinks I'm going to head down to health services. It's raining today. And I must tell you:

Today is absolutely beautiful, and I'm taking it as a sign for an equally awesome December. Though my sinuses require that I walk around with my hoodie over my face and not inhale, it is still something to be severely enjoyed. I think I'm going to get something warm to drink, grab my blanket, and curl up with my current literature. Wow. Sounds so absolutely perfect, I have no other words.
By the way, I'm in a good mood. In case you didn't notice. This would be the optimal time for requests, as well as bullshit. Have a nice day.

More at six.

My dear Cunegonde.. [28 Nov 2004|08:43am]
[ mood | content ]

So, long time no update. Well, not really. Thanksgiving was boring. I can't sleep. Or rather, I'm just not tired. You'd think I would be. I'll probably be tired any minute now. You know, the bewitching hour. Two more weeks of the semester. I bought some tape (scotch tape), so I think I'm going to clean my room and decorate the walls with old magazine clippings. Just random ones. I really don't have anything in particular that I really want on the wall. And I'm feeling sort of creative. It's raining. I wish it would snow. I love snow. In my account, I have eighty dollars.
So, yesterday at work: Okay. People of Massachusetts, who frequent the Cambridgeside Galleria, more specifically, KB Toys. Yes, we're having a 20% off sale. Please read the flyer. It says on listed items. Please, do not a. push the coupon in my face like currency. b. insist on having 20% off. c. get cranky because it's not clear. what part of "selected items" along with a list of the selected items underneath confused you? People. Seriously. d. act as if someone has done you a serious injustice by not letting you have that 20% on that eight dollar Star Wars figure. I know how important that 1.60 was to you, but yeah, no one said life is fair. Get over it. I swear. I had two people the entire day, that didn't want to catch an attitude with me. It's not my problem you don't pay attention.
Anyway, in terms of campus, it was actually pretty quiet, and at first, I thought it was a bit frightening, but actually, I enjoyed it, and I'm sorry everyone's coming back. Nothing irks me more than running into some fool in the bathroom, or hearing the inane and pointless conversations they have in the bathroom about hair conditioning techniques and the various pros and cons, not to mention who slept over last night and snuck into who's room. What the fuck ever. Seriously.

I need to get out of retail. But really, I'm not cranky.

More at six.

you would kill for this, just a little bit. [24 Nov 2004|09:16pm]
[ mood | tired ]

It's dark. It's raining. I'm hungry. Nothing's open. The shuttle's not running, and the pizza places aren't delivering. The women at the dining hall give me pouty faces when they hear about my Thanksgiving plans. I can't wait until it's over.

More at six.

sing me something soft, sad and out of key.. [22 Nov 2004|08:27am]
[ mood | awake ]

so of course, it hit about three in the morning and I was no longer tired. Actually, this reminds me of Insomnia, that Stephen King novel about the guy who kept waking up earlier and earlier until he stopped sleeping. I must say. This seems oddly similar. Here's the chain of events:
I would sleep the entire day. from about...nine until about nine that night. And stay up all night. In my attempt to fall asleep normally, I would stay up twenty four hours, and hit the sheets at about eleven. only to be rising at about seven the next morning. The sleep time shifted for a while, but now, no matter when i go to sleep, i'm up in the morning. granted, i promise i'll be tired and groggy in an hour, but still. HA. I have an assignment to do, and it requires my presence in an actual teaching hall. So early. Who feels like a nap? I do. You know. These posts need to stop being so pointless.
But word to the wise. When I return from this assignment. I am sooooooo in bed. All day. No work until tomorrow night at six. It's going to be an extremely easy week.

2 new developments + More at six.

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